BROKEN BUT HEALED

How was it growing up with your parents, uncle, aunt, step-parents or in a foster home? Now, while others look back at their childhood. Some of us cause and hate the people who raised us for doing a terrible job of it. We also blame society for saying nothing when we are abused, raped, beaten or maltreated, which has led to trauma, sleepless nights, psychological disorder and bad programming. 

If you relate to what am saying, then it means we’re both broken. However, am here to help you! See, I was once like you and am still battling with my childhood experiences. I bet you’re wondering how I healed myself? I used two words! I bet your brain is offering suggestions on what those two words might be: Move on, Forgive them, Stay Mindful, Be Aware or Stay strong. 

None of the suggestions above helped me in my quest to heal. The two words that helped me start my healing process are let go! These two words are important if you plan to stop holding on, letting go and regaining your childish vigour.

Let me share my story with you so you will understand what I mean. For over 5 years, I was angry with my father. I was angry because of things he did and didn’t do. Some things I blamed him for, my dad wasn’t even aware of. I held on to this hate and fed it until it almost consumed me. 

After getting into three relationships and all of them failed, I took some time and find the root of my problems. It took many months of thinking and running away from the truth that was eating me up. My healing began when made use of the two words let go and really internalised the meaning of letting go. 

I began by reliving the most painful experiences from my childhood and making sense of them. Second, I came to understand that if my dad knew better, he would have done better. Third, I analysed my relationships with my ex and identified how my actions were consistent with my being broken. Now, am not blaming my mistakes on my experience, but explaining how your bad programming can affect your who life. 

Finally, I forgave my dad, and I forgave myself. I stopped being angry at him for what he didn’t even know he did and moved on. I identified the areas of my childhood that I didn’t like and came to understand that unless I deal with them now, I would hurt my children as well. You and I cannot live with that.

Of all the steps, the most difficult was sharing my story with anyone, because of how sensitive it was. But if you truly want to heal from your hurtful experiences, share your story. There’s magic in sharing your story. It helps you let go and helps others relate to your hurt and appreciate the new you. 

I know it’s difficult to go through the healing process, but it’s necessary. Think about how you will feel if you end up hurting your children like they hurt you in the past. Picture raising children with low self-esteem, little or no confidence and average children? Imagine raising children who could have been more but could not because of what you said to them repeatedly or how you treated them while growing up. Imagine your child reliving your own story and turning out even worse than you’re right now? 

Trust me, what you’re feeling now should be enough motivation for you to begin your healing process today. It will not be easy. Always remember that. But you need to let go! To help you, I have compiled a six-step process on how to heal from past hurts and become a better person. 

I know how difficult it is to go through the process, so I will share the six steps with you and be here for you every step of the way. I will use my relationship experiences to guide you on how to heal from your unpleasant experiences. 

Confronting our demons and our past are by far the most difficult things to face as adults. However, to move forward in life, we have to face our demons, especially the ones we don’t even know about.

Most people get into a relationship and expect it to go as smoothly as it started. But, more often than not, it doesn’t. Sometimes people find out the person never loved them for who they are, rather for what they had. In other cases, their partner loved them but fell out of love as time went by.

Whichever the case, it is important to deal with the pain once you end the relationship instead of living in denial and telling yourself you’re okay and probably jumping into another relationship broken. Then you find out that you keep having brief relationship sagas that leave you blaming yourself because they didn’t last when the relationship was doomed the moment it started.

In this chapter, I will walk you through my step-by-step guide, which I have used to deal with the pieces of baggage from my relationship and past and one that I recently shared with a friend who got the same result. The process is straightforward, but you have to be ready to one – take responsibility for your actions and inactions – and two – forgive yourself and the other person no matter who was at fault. Let’s dive in.

1. ACCEPTANCE – Heartbreak feels like losing a loved one to the icy hands of death. Sometimes, most people go through the five stages of grief – denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.

Some people go through these stages without even knowing it, while others get stuck in one stage for years. I want to help you get to the last stage, which is acceptance. Only when you accept what happened will you be able to move on and any hope of finding love and having peace of mind.

The first sign of maturity is taking responsibility for your actions and inactions. So, begin by finding a quiet place for just you and your thoughts. Take a deep breath and when you’re ready, close your eyes and try to replay everything that happened as if you were seeing a movie.

Try not to judge anything you remember about yourself or your partner. Just observe and make mental notes. After my last relationship ended as fast as it started. I blamed my ex first, then I blamed myself for everything that happened. I also told anyone that cared to listen to the side of the story that made me look innocent.

But after a while, I took responsibility and move on. I called her and apologised, then I began working on myself. I replayed everything that happened between us, processed it and accepted the fact that despite the relationship being fun and amazing, it’s over and I needed to move on.

 2. TAKE NOTE – Get a pen and paper or use your phone to record what you observed – pain, memories, happy moments you both shared and the hurtful ones. Write or record what you did wrong and how you would have handled it better if you had known better.

After accepting that my relationship was over with my ex, I brought out a pen and wrote about everything I wish I had done better and how I wish she should have handled the situation. This process was a difficult one for me, but I had to go through with it for my sanity.

Write and record what he/she did wrong and how he/she should have done better if he/she knew any better. Next, write or record why you’re mad at him/her and how you wish he/she would have handled the situation. Now, take a step back and ANALYSE what you’ve written without judging yourself or the other person. Just OBSERVE and ANALYSE.

What are the lessons that you can learn from what you’ve written and how can they help someone else – your sibling, friends or the world at large? Write what you learned from the lessons and think about how long they’ll go to help others. This guide results from observing and analysing what happened in my previous relationships.

3. FORGIVENESS – This is a hard step, but if you’ve been able to visualise what happened and the lessons you can learn from your past relationship, only then can you forgive yourself. So, if you skipped any of the steps above, complete them before you continue with this step.

To drop your pieces of baggage, forgive yourself first and forgive him/her. Is it easy? No, but it’s necessary if you want to move on and live a fulfilling life filled with great relationships.

Picture your childhood and how quickly you forgave anyone who wronged you without even thinking about it. That child grew up to become YOU and still knows how to forgive without holding grudges.

The child inside you is begging to be free of all this pain, but only your adult self can let it all out. Take a deep breath and let go of the pain – it has held you down for so long. Why are you letting that anger control you? Remember, the other person might have moved on a long-time ago.

My ex moved on faster than me because I kept posting stuff about someone hurting me on my status just so she would see it even though she might have blocked me. I couldn’t help it, but as time went by, I forgave myself and forgave her.

One of my friends knew about my heartbreak and would watch my status every day, where I would post stuff about heartbreaks. Then she advised me to stop posting those stuff and just move on.

He/she might have moved on while you’re here hurting. Take as much time as you need during this step, but let it out as a child would and let your heart heal itself. It knows how, but you’re the one holding back.

You and I know you deserve better, but they mistreated you because they didn’t know any better. Trust me, that’s okay. They do not perceive the value in YOU, but I DO. The longer you hold back, the more difficult it becomes to heal and the higher your chances of hurting others. You and I know you don’t want that on your conscience.

Mine was more painful because I knew she was without another man instead of me. She posted their pictures every day and I would watch her status and keep hurting myself. After forgiving myself, I called her to talk and apologise.

You can repeat – I forgive myself and I forgive them. I let the pain out and hold no grudge. Say these words from your soul and you’ll feel the weight being lifted from your chest. You need to heal and forgive yourself because the next person who’ll love you or marry you deserves better. So, you need to let the pieces of baggage go.

4. REFLECTION – After you must have forgiven yourself and him/her, reflect on how you just healed your heart from pain and disappointment. Savour this feeling and smile while you do.

Looking back at how I was trolling her on WhatsApp and Instagram, I just laughed and was glad I could complete my healing process before I stayed single for a year.

5. REACH OUT – the last step is to reach out to those who hurt you or those you hurt and let them know you’ve forgiven them or ask for their forgiveness. This is another sign of maturity, especially when they’re the ones that hurt you. However, always remember that they came into your life for a reason, so there’s no need to curse the day you met them.

Let them know you’ve forgiven them or ask them to forgive you, even if you’re not ready to be their friend just yet. When we first broke up, I hated her and everything about it which is normal. But with time came clarity of mind, then forgiveness and logic. So, when it came time to reach out to her, I was ready. While my ex is still my friend, I can’t ask the same of you. It’s totally up to you. Also, it’s okay to keep them blocked on all social media platforms until you deem fit to unblock them.

6. TIME OFF – This step is optional and totally up to you. Take some time off any romantic relationship. I challenged myself to remain single for one year, but you can start within six months. During this time, rediscover yourself, learn to love yourself for who you’re, which will help you love others better than you ever did.

After healing and apologizing to my ex, I took one year off any romantic relationship and that one year stretched into two years. This step is powerful as it will take you on a journey of a lifetime. One that you’ll never reach your destination as you’ll find out as I did, that you’re more than enough and you deserve all the love in this world.

If you love this article and would like to learn more about healing from childhood past, programming and baggage’s from you relationships. Connect with me on Whatsapp (07038903367) so I can add you to my community of healing and healed people. Also, you will get access to meaningful conversations where healed and healing individuals share their story and help others heal.